I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
