I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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