I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
