i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
