New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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