My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
