Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
