dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
