We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just googled if crying burns calories
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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