Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
