Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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