Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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