I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
