oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
