totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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