I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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