Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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