OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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