she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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