did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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