Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm at about main and main street
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
