I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
