I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
