I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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