Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
