I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
