You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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