I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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