If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
