Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
