I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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