So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
