i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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