my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
