last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
