You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
