last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
