did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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