textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
