My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I cannot find my penis.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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