This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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