just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
