i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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