Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
