hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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