just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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