so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
