he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
