Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
