I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
