I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you will always have a special place in my vag
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Ladies don't puke and tell
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
