What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
