Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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